Roughly three weeks have passed since my return from Sicily. Initially, I had planned on staying much longer than I did but circumstances were such that coming home seemed the best choice. My early trip back in no way signals a bad experience abroad. Quite the opposite . . . the entire time I spent there was valuable beyond measure. I found what I had hoped I would find and beyond that I uncovered parts of myself I didn’t know existed. From huge epiphanies to smaller shifts in my being. I have changed as a person and am thrilled to have learned so much about myself.
The desire to travel to Italy has been with me since I was a small child standing next to my Sicilian nonna in her kitchen in Hyde Park, MA. Her way of being was different from other grandmothers I knew. She was mysterious and had an aura that I was drawn toward. She didn’t look like other old ladies I knew. Black hair, deep olive skin, and eyes that looked like milk chocolate. When she spoke in the Sicilian dialect I was mesmerized. My nonna, Margherita Eleanora, was the most fascinating person I knew. Somewhere in those days spent next to her, stirring a sauce pot, the idea to one day go to her homeland was ignited.
After my daughter was killed I had planned on spending the rest of my life just existing. Trudging through the days because I had to be here. I had no other thoughts than to merely survive this hellish existence without my child. I was in my forties when Becca died. I remember thinking, prior to her death, I only have about 40 years left and there is so much I want to do. After she died I lamented the fact that I had a very long four decades to fill before I was released in my own death to where she is. The amount of time that lay out before me was overwhelming. Then, somewhere deep inside, the thought that I had maybe thirty years left of this life wriggled to the top and into my consciousness. I decided that it was time to “start making moves” as a good friend of mine always quips.
From that moment the desire to travel to Italy was fanned into a flame. A flame I could not ignore because if I did I would regret it for my remaining days. I am tired of collecting regrets.
The reasons for going are many. They vary from one end of the spectrum to the other.
I knew there were things I needed to learn, about myself, that I could not learn here. In my comfortable life that is mostly consistent and easily managed. Personal knowledge comes from leaving your comfort zone and watching how you react in a completely alien environment. Situations you’ve never been in before will elicit a response that you can either work to strengthen or move to release.Travel is a great barometer to let you know where you stand in life. This being said . . . I believe everyone should travel outside of their country at least once in life. For a lengthy period of time if possible.
I am finally back to “normal” after having returned. Jet lag and the odd feeling of being back in this culture have mostly subsided. It’s the “soul lag” that I’m still feeling. There were things I brought with me to Sicily that I left there. In their place I packed what I’d learned about myself that will make my life fuller wherever I am. Though, the lessons I learned were easy to carry across the ocean . . . integrating them into my everyday life here seems to be a different story.
It’s very easy to slip back into what we were when we are back in the environment in which they were born. In which they served a purpose in our lives. We are, after all, creatures of habit and easy paths.
I’ve spent the past three weeks processing all I have learned about myself. Both in thought as well as in practice. I’ve written page upon page of the why’s and the how’s. Listing examples of the lessons in action. Thumbing through my journal entries written during my time in Sicily I can pinpoint moments in which I laid something down and picked another thing up. There is a theme weaving its way through the trip and into my words. I am smart enough to know that I am definitely not aware of every way I have changed. Unaware of the shifts that have taken place in my being. I am looking forward to excavating everything! For now I can talk about those things of which I am subtly aware. And, even these must go deeper than I can see.
The easiest way to convey the new me is: I am more myself than I have ever been. Ever.
I am excited to keep digging and learning about how I have changed and what it means for my future. As I have said before, I don’t write so others understand me . . . though if they do then that is wonderful. I write so that I may understand myself better and more honestly. So I can be the best version of myself that I can attain. To help leave the world and the people in it in a better place for my having existed. I think that is the best any one of us can hope for, isn’t it?
Three weeks home and my thoughts and experiences are finally settling down and forming themselves into groups which I can understand are connected to each other. My intent, upon sitting at the keyboard this afternoon, was to share all that I have learned about myself. I’ve realized, however, that there is just too much to encapsulate in a single blog post. I was writing an outline earlier and it’s long! I think I owe myself the time of introspection for each lesson individually. Rolling it over and examining it from all sides. There are so many facets to my change and I want to experience how the light bounces off of each surface.
I am different. I am better. I learned both positives and negatives about who I was.
The most important lesson I learned is that I want to live my life again. Fully. Deeply. My life must be bigger than I’ve allowed it to be. My days need to be filled with experiences. I am more than who I have been.
I learned that I have come full circle and am back where I was in my forties. I only have a finite amount of time left. Thirty years if I am lucky. I am no longer overwhelmed by the pain in the years ahead of me without my daughter. Instead, I am looking forward to what the upcoming decades will bring to me.
I am lighter. A good portion of the heaviness was left in Sicily. I am forever grateful for the experience I had and am eagerly looking forward to what my future has in store. And, hopefully, this includes much more time spent in my nonna’s homeland . . . among other adventures!
I am grateful for the ability to change, grow, and heal.
Words Can Express 