Not my photo.
Change rarely arrives on schedule. When it comes, it often carries both grief and relief in its hands. My years at the clinic shaped me in ways I’ll always be thankful for—the lessons in compassion, patience, and the deep privilege of being trusted at life’s end. But seasons shift, and I found myself standing at a crossroad. It was time to step away, not out of anger, but out of honesty.
Leaving was both an ending and a beginning—a release that opened space for something I didn’t yet have words for.
Sometimes life lines things up in a way that feels almost choreographed. That Friday—the day of my final meeting—was also the day my foster dog had an appointment to meet a potential adoptive family.
Olive had come to me nearly a month earlier. She’d been rescued from a commercial breeding situation, her past mostly a mystery. Cream-colored, tiny, and unsure of the world, she’s likely some mix of miniature poodle and Maltese. One of the smallest dogs I’ve ever fostered—barely a third the size of my cat, Walter. We already had three dogs at home: Carl, a pittie-hound mix with a heart as big as his head; Pepi, a Jack Russell–Chihuahua with a Napoleon complex; and Louis, my anxious little whippet-Chihuahua mix. Olive was so small and gentle that I figured fostering her would be easy until the right family came along.
And since it feels unfair to leave him out—there’s also Avocado, our other cat, who insists on being acknowledged whenever the rest of the household is mentioned. We are, in every sense, a full house.
I knew the day when both of those things would happen was going to be difficult. I had been dreading it. I’d waited a full week for my meeting, and in that week, I had fallen in love with Olive. Small and quiet, she just wanted to be near me. She would bury her face into the blankets as she lay on my lap, sleeping for hours each day. I could see her healing—her body and mind trying to catch up to all the changes that had come so quickly.
I understood this. I had spent many of those same days sleeping, too. Sleep can be an escape from daily stress, but it can also be a place where soul-deep healing happens. I sometimes wonder if, while I slept, my own soul was quietly aligning itself—preparing me for what that meeting would bring.
Friday came. I was to bring Olive to the shelter at noon so she could be ready for her appointments. I talked to her the whole drive there, telling her she was brave and loved, that she would soon have a home all her own. When I mentioned how many changes she’d endured and that they were almost over, she looked up at me as if she understood. Mostly, I thanked her for letting me be the safe space between then and what’s next. She curled her face into my chest and stayed there.
I carried her bag over my arm—food, diapers, her little jackets, a harness, leash, and bowl—and held her close as we walked inside. One of the adoption coordinators met me, and I started to give him the details I thought might help: “She’s sweet but shy. It takes her a bit to warm up, but once she does, she’s a cuddler. She wears a diaper for now, loves walks, but she’s a runner if she gets loose.” I handed over her food and told him she sometimes hides it until someone sits with her and talks her through the meal.
I was crying the entire time. He gently asked if I wanted to stay to meet the families, but I declined. They didn’t need a tearful foster sitting in the corner as they tried to imagine a new beginning. So I kissed her, whispered I love you, and left. I told myself I’d done what I promised—to get her ready for her next chapter—and that had to be enough.
On the drive home, I tried to shift my focus to the meeting ahead. My friend had said, “The writing’s on the wall,” and I knew she was right. A few hours later, just before the meeting, the phone rang. It was the shelter director. Both families had passed on Olive. “If you’d like to adopt her,” she said, “she’s yours.” I started crying again, thanked her, and drove back to the shelter to bring my girl home.
I knew, after the gift of Olive’s return, that whatever happened, it would all be okay.
For the better part of a year, I’ve been contemplating a life that would bring my personal experience into harmony with my work. Caring for animals has been a place of immense healing for me, but lately I’ve felt called toward more—something that speaks to both the living and the dying. I don’t remember exactly when I first came across the term death doula, but the words stopped me. They made perfect sense.
Birth is revered—a ritual, a gathering of hands and hearts to welcome new life. But if I’ve learned anything in the nearly two decades since my daughter’s death, it’s this: death is a kind of birth, too. We’re simply on the other side of it—the side that bears witness as a soul departs. And that, too, is monumental.
There are many reasons I feel called to this path. To help others, yes—to bring my understanding of death to a place that offers comfort, to help reclaim the rituals of farewell that the modern world has forgotten. But also, selfishly, to deepen my own understanding of my daughter’s death. I walk with death daily, and to know it intimately feels less like darkness and more like reverence—a way of staying close to what is sacred, to what remains.
I don’t have all the answers. I don’t think anyone does. But I believe that by walking beside others as they face loss, I may continue to learn what it means to live—and to love—even in the presence of death.
Words Can Express 